I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
