But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
