Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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