Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He passed out mid-signature
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
