kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
