shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
