Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
