my mouth tastes like poor choices
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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