Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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