You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
