I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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