Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize