can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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