What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
