Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
