I'm drive I can fine osifer
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
