Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
