He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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