having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
There are leaves in my underwear?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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