Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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