I wish I only lived at night.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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