I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize