I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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