so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
