my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
