I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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