birth control should be required to get into college
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
