Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
