I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
