I got chris browned last night
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
