the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
