cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
