i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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