I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize