Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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