You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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