Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
