I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
porn star boner night. come get it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
