it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
