if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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