they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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