I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
