Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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