: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
