he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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