im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
