Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
