I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
