I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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