Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I cockslap morals
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Pants are for mortals
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
