just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
