I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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