You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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