His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Randomize
