i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
