I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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