My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
