You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
