They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
