I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
