I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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