so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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